The outlet sale New Rules of Marriage: What You discount Need to Know to Make Love Work online

The outlet sale New Rules of Marriage: What You discount Need to Know to Make Love Work online

The outlet sale New Rules of Marriage: What You discount Need to Know to Make Love Work online
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In his extraordinary new book, Terrence Real, distinguished therapist and bestselling author, presents a long overdue message that women need to hear: You aren’t crazy–you’re right!

Women have changed in the last twenty-five years–they have become powerful, independent, self-confident, and happy. Yet many men remain irresponsible and emotionally detached. They don’t know how to respond to frustrated partners who just want their mates to show up and grow up.

Enter the good news: In this revolutionary book, Real shows women how to master the new rules of twenty-first-century marriage by offering them a set of effective tools with which they can create the truly intimate relationship that they desire and deserve. He identifies five non-starters to avoid and shares practical strategies for bringing honesty, passion, and joy back to even the most difficult relationship. Using his experience helping thousands of couples shift from despair to profound emotional closeness, Real guides you through the process of relationship repair with exercises that you can do alone or with your partner. With this program you’ll discover how to

- identify and articulate your wants and needs
- listen well and respond generously
- set limits, and stand up for yourself
- embrace and appreciate what you have
- know when to seek outside help

The New Rules of Marriage will introduce you to a radically new kind of relationship, one based on the idea that every woman has the power to transform her marriage, while men, given the right support, have it in them to rise to the occasion.

We have never wanted so much from our relationships as we do today. More than any other generation, we yearn for our mates to be lifelong friends and lovers. The New Rules of Marriage shows us how to fulfill this courageous and uncompromising new vision.

Review

Advance praise for The New Rules of Marriage

“Terry Real helps overturn old-fashioned, confining roles and opens up a treasury of hope for lasting and exciting intimacy for couples everywhere. This is a wonderful, joyful, and highly useful book.”
–Edward Hallowell, M.D., author of Crazy Busy

“Falling in love is easy, staying in love is another matter. Couples yearning for more closeness are truly in uncharted territory . . . until now, that is. This book offers amazing new insights about men and women and what it takes to make relationships work in our ever-changing culture.”
–Michele Weiner-Davis, MSW, author of Divorce Busting

“If you’re tired of the same old dance, get ready to learn a few new steps–real steps–the ones that will make a difference in your life and the lives of those you love.”
–Cheryl Richardson, author of Life Makeovers

“Terrence Real offers a brilliant, winning strategy for achieving the full-tilt, authentic, exhilarating connection both women and men crave. Real’s revolutionary program is sure to lead them to it–with the dignity, fairness, and humor that characterizes his work.”
–Dalma Heyn, author of Drama Kings

“An amazing guide to developing powerful relational skills. It is served up with great wit and a keen sense of humor–a great read.”
–Pia Mellody, author of Facing Love Addiction and The Intimacy Factor

“Groundbreaking, insightful, funny, this book brings readers the inside scoop. Sharing the deep and simple truths, it offers us practical wisdom everybody can use to make love work.”
–Bell Hooks, author of All About Love: New Visions

About the Author

Terrence Real is the bestselling author of  I Don’t Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression and  How Can I Get Through to You?: Reconnecting Men and Women. He has been a practicing family therapist for more than 20 years and has lectured and held workshops across the country. In March 2002, Real founded the Relational Life Institute. His work has been featured on Today and  Good Morning America, as well as in  The New York TimesPsychology TodayEsquire, and numerous academic publications.

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

Chapter One

Are You Getting What You Want?

Outgrowing the Old Rules

Are you happy with the relationship you’re in today? Or are you frustrated, knowing that no matter how hard you try, the open-heartedness that first drew you and your partner together seems awfully hard to win back? Perhaps you’re in a difficult relationship that needs substantial change, or perhaps you are in a good-enough relationship that could be made better. Maybe you’re looking for a new relationship that doesn’t repeat the mistakes of the past. In any case, if you are reading these words, chances are you feel that something has been missing. It may be tempting to avoid acknowledging that feeling, but I’d like to ask you to trust your instinct. Twenty-five years of helping couples change and grow has taught me that if you feel things could be better, you’re probably right. A lot better, in fact.

People may tell you that what you’re looking for is unrealistic. I don’t think so. Well-meaning friends and family may focus on your need to compromise. I don’t want you to. Your relationship is too important for compromise. Your work may be rewarding, your kids great, and your friends wonderful, but in the end, your bond with the person you live out your life with—the one you grow up and grow old with—is the single most important connection you will ever have. I want you to go after what it is that you want—with skill and with love—and get it.

Both in counseling couples and in workshops I’ve lead around the country, I have taught people from all walks of life how to turn bad relationships into good ones, and good relationships into great ones. Because great is what you’re really after. Great is what you deserve. Not merely a relationship you can live with, but one that is truly alive—passionately, tenderly, maddeningly filled to the brim with unexpected twists and turns, with comfort and solidity, with the sense of knowing and being known, and loving one another anyway. How do you get such a relationship? You don’t get it, you build it, thoughtfully and skillfully, brick by brick.

Do you have the skills to do this? Have you been taught the craft of creating and sustaining a truly great relationship? If you’re like most of us, your upbringing—that curious mixture of what you’ve picked up about how to be close from society in general and from your family in particular—has not only failed to give you the tools you need, but has actively filled your head with a bunch of unhelpful nonsense. Nonsense like “You’d better not make him too angry.” Or, “If she really loved me, she’d . . .” Or, “I could be happy if only you’d . . .”

Like a tennis player who’s performed well enough with rotten technique, in order to master relationships you don’t just have to learn how to do it; first you have to unlearn all your bad habits. Think of me as your intimacy coach. Together, we’re going to strip down your usual relationship routines and redo them, from the very basics. Will it be comfortable? Probably not. If it is, it means I’m not doing my job. Imagine going out on a tennis court with a totally new grip after years of holding your racquet in one familiar way. Comfortable? No. But does the new, proper grip give you a more effective stroke? Once you get used to it, there’s no comparison.

Reading this, a part of you may be wondering, “Has the game of love really grown so technical that I need an intimacy coach just to have a decent relationship? Whatever happened to falling in love and, well . . . just getting along?” That kind of spontaneity is fine—if it’s working for you. Ask yourself: Is it? If you’re like most people, the honest answer is somewhere between a definite no and “Not as well as I wish it would.” If that’s the case, don’t be embarrassed; you’re in an awfully big boat. The truth is that navigating your relationship by simply doing what “comes naturally” actually stacks the odds against achieving lasting happiness. Roughly half of all marriages fail altogether, and of those marriages left standing, how many are really fulfilling? How many truly great relationships do you see around you? Everywhere you turn, it seems that people who can be terrific parents, friends, workers, and neighbors fall short in the one arena that matters the most. As if that weren’t sobering enough, consider this: The grim picture of relationships I’m describing has been relatively stable for the last forty years. The emergence of couple’s therapy in the 1950s has done nothing to change it. Self-help and psychology haven’t put a dent in it. Multimillion-dollar government programs and church initiatives have been helpless in the face of our current intimacy crisis. What is going on?

Twenty-first Century Love

Try as they might, most “experts” aren’t helping much because they fail to address the fundamental issue. What’s robbing your relationship of the closeness and passion you deserve is history; or, more precisely, your particular moment in history. If you are like the millions of men and women who feel dissatisfied, you have been trying to negotiate a twenty-first century relationship using twentieth-century skills. Your expectations of what an intimate relationship is—emotional sharing, mutual support, responsibility, vitality—belong to a new kind of marriage, one very different from your parents’ or grandparents’. But your old rule book, and your bag of relationship tools—your game plan and ways of coping—are not nearly as fresh as your vision is.

The Big Picture: Where Are We Now?

One of the reasons why men and women are so frustrated and confused with one another is that the nature of marriage itself is undergoing a sea of change.

In the beginning of the twentieth century, with the coming of the industrial revolution, men left their farms in droves and moved into the city to work. Before urbanization everyone pitched in together in all sorts of ways, but from then on men began working away from their families while women and children stayed home. The great roles for men and women of the twentieth century were forged: Man-the-Breadwinner and Woman-the-Caretaker. Both at home and in school, children were raised to have character traits that suited these roles. Boys learned to be strong, goal oriented, and competitive; girls learned to be caring, emotional, and cooperative. For at least fifty years, this arrangement, if not always equally rewarding for both partners, was nevertheless largely stable. Through the 1950s and well into the 1960s, divorce was exceptional, and in all but the most extreme cases, if marital unhappiness existed, it was kept discreetly behind closed doors.

In the second half of the twentieth century, the sleeping giant of half the population began to wake up. Starting in the 1970s and mov- ing with accelerating pace, women became the largest addition to the workforce. Women gained economic freedom, political power, a new psychology, and a collective drive to support feminine strength and independence. The women’s movement changed our society forever.

Newly empowered, women across America turned to men and began insisting on levels of emotional intimacy that most men—raised under the old regime—were not readily able to meet.

The reason why things have been so difficult between men and women in the last several decades can be pared down to this: In the last generation women have radically changed and men, by and large, have not. This is not a criticism of men. It is a simple fact.

If Woman the Caretaker was compliant and repressed, the new Liberated Woman was armed and angry, leaving many men feeling unappreciated and bewildered. “What do they want from us?” men asked. “Why can’t they accept us for who we are?” On the women’s side, finding a “good man,” a man who “got it,” seemed to grow more and more difficult. If the ancient Greeks identified with heroic Odysseus setting sail for adventure, we moderns cheer on Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte, and Miranda of Sex and the City, as they quest for a satisfying heterosexual relationship, or as Charlotte once put it, “to dream the impossible dream!”

What most of the men I work with don’t “get” is that their relationship job description has changed. According to the unspoken rules governing traditional twentieth-century marriage if a man was a reliable provider, a steady hand, and didn’t drink a lot or beat anyone, he was a good husband. A generation ago, if a woman went to her mother and complained of such a spouse that “He never takes my feelings seriously,” or “He puts me down in public,” or “He’s so shut down I feel like I live with a stranger,” what do you imagine she would have been told? Stop whining, suck it up, and go home—of course! But we have outgrown those rules, and now it is just such quality-of-relationship issues that break up modern couples—or, perhaps worse, render a once loving union chronically miserable. Just as women’s roles have radically changed, so, too, have their expectations of long-term relationships. While many men would be delighted if women retained more of their traditional caretaker role, most women need men to be more than providers. The refrain I hear over and over again from dissatisfied women is “I don’t feel like I have a real partner.” A partner who shares in the details of domestic life and in her concerns about the kids. An intellectual partner who cares about what she thinks and supports her development. And most of all, an emotional partner who shows interest in and appreciation for her feelings and who has a few feelings of his own to bring to the table. As women join their husbands as workers, as they step beyond the confines of their caretaker role, they redefine the rules of marriage and of relationship itself. The breadwinner/caretaker paradigm of marriage that came into existence at the beginning of the twentieth century ended at the century’s close.

The twentieth-century marriage was traditional in the sense that, like marriage for centuries before, happiness meant, above all, being good companions. Husband and wife pulled in harness together. Shoulder to shoulder, they faced life’s challenges, raised their kids, paid their taxes, and faced war and deprivation, good times and bad. No one seriously expected marriage to be passionate, or thought about long, complicated, exquisite communication. That was the stuff of romance. And romance was for kids, for the start of relationships, before things settled down, or, in some instances, for love affairs. But, as we faced a new millennium, women began to want more.

The new marriage takes the stability, the building of a life together, that was the whole of marriage a generation ago, and grafts onto it the expectations of a lifelong romance—deep talks, exciting times, and great sex.

Contemporary women want to be more than companions with their spouses; they want to remain friends and lovers. If the twentieth-century marriage was companionable, the new marriage is intimate—physically, sexually, intellectually, and, above all, emotionally.

The fly in the ointment is that while some men might be thrilled if their wives remained as sexually provocative and generous as a mistress, the rest of the new package—particularly emotional closeness—leaves them feeling inadequate and mystified, if not downright put-upon. And while women’s new empowerment may well equip them to stand up for themselves, it does a terrible job of teaching them how to stand up for the relationship.

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4.6 out of 54.6 out of 5
498 global ratings

Top reviews from the United States

EL
5.0 out of 5 starsVerified Purchase
Marvelous!
Reviewed in the United States on September 7, 2018
As a general book-junkie and frequent reader of topics on health, psychology, fitness, relationships, business, philosophy, cognitive science, and occasionally even a good old novel....I can say without the slightest hesitation that this book is a gigantic stand out from... See more
As a general book-junkie and frequent reader of topics on health, psychology, fitness, relationships, business, philosophy, cognitive science, and occasionally even a good old novel....I can say without the slightest hesitation that this book is a gigantic stand out from the regular sludge of self-help / advice lit out there. The book really does a terrific job of fulfilling its own promises to the reader. There is useful takeaway here. I’m very surprised at how much. Terry expertly balances some theory (more accurately I should say thought-models) with practice, anticipates and addresses the likely challenges and objections, provides genuinely interesting and realistic vignettes for each sub section, and left me feeling as though I had truly learned something utterly new: how is it that we can affect the course of our love-relationships unilaterally, how you can initiate a change by understanding how you are perpetuating the problems that plague your relationship. He does not preach, he even ends the book with a realistic assessment of when its time to split, but you’ll actually know if you’ve really done all that is humanly possible or not. The pain of doubt as to whose to blame for what, whether to endure or depart, how to diffuse conflict, etc etc etc...all so very well described. By the way, I’ll probably offend someone in saying this last point but I don’t care, it needs being said; most relationship salvaging books are written in a feminine mode, usually by woman or by men who seem to me very much lacking in masculinity....not so here. Guys, this one’s for us. The writing is assertive, incisive, yes - emotionally open, but in a good way that never alienated me (I’m a 56 year old Jersey dude who loves rock and roll and all that goes with it) and still I say this.

Hope you liked my review.

Thanks to APC for referring this book to me.

Thanks Terry. Write another one soon.
59 people found this helpful
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J. Bickerstaff
5.0 out of 5 starsVerified Purchase
Powerful tool that could save your marriage
Reviewed in the United States on August 21, 2018
Get it. Read it. Apply it WHETHER OR NOT YOUR SPOUSE DOES. Ideally, read it together. And, ladies, remember, sometimes the one who needs to "grow up and show up" is NOT the man... Most important takeaway: YOU are doing things you do not even realize... See more
Get it. Read it. Apply it WHETHER OR NOT YOUR SPOUSE DOES. Ideally, read it together. And, ladies, remember, sometimes the one who needs to "grow up and show up" is NOT the man...

Most important takeaway: YOU are doing things you do not even realize you are doing that are hurting your relationship. Doesn''t matter if your spouse really is or is not the bigger problem. Your issues MULTIPLY theirs. Get yourself straight. Read this as if it was ONLY about you. DO NOT use it to make your spouse wrong, use it to FIND and FIX your s***. You would be amazed at how much better things can be if you just get clear what you''re contributing to the problem and really change. Good luck!

(Obviously this advice does not apply in the case of serious abuse, real personality disorders and similar, significant problems. If you suspect significant problems, get yourself to a competent therapist (don''t hesitate to fire incompetent ones!) and with that therapist, work on yourself and a plan of how to proceed. Most of the time you will be diagnosing your spouse with a "serious problem" where none exists, as a form of self protection, but getting to a good therapist (FOR YOURSELF, not to fix your spouse) is a really good move anyway)
29 people found this helpful
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mplsmaven
5.0 out of 5 starsVerified Purchase
Great Family of Origin Book; Very Helpful and Easy to Relate To
Reviewed in the United States on February 23, 2018
Disclaimer: I prefer therapy that explores family of origin issues and how they shape how we relate to other people as we become adults. I cannot explain how much this book has helped me in my personal relationship with not only my partner, but even with my... See more
Disclaimer: I prefer therapy that explores family of origin issues and how they shape how we relate to other people as we become adults.

I cannot explain how much this book has helped me in my personal relationship with not only my partner, but even with my parents. I have found the advice in this book to be easy to follow, even if my partner won''t follow them with me. Which is another piece of advice in the book. The real stories that are presented in the book also help make the material easier to relate to - even though no exact situation matched mine, it was easy to take bits and pieces from each. I originally purchased this book for Kindle and paid for the Whisper-Sync for Audible. I would highly recommend getting the book and the audio version. It''s nice to reinforce the material in the car or on a walk.

I have recommended this book to many friends and family members who are struggling in their relationships. I wouldn''t hesitate to recommend it to a perfect stranger - which I suppose I am doing right now!
30 people found this helpful
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Caitlin Welles
5.0 out of 5 starsVerified Purchase
Powerful yet super user-friendly and great read
Reviewed in the United States on April 27, 2017
This book got me to go to the training with Terry Real for this incredibly down to earth approach to relationships and, of course, to have my husband read it so we''d have some shared language and understanding. I use the concepts in this book daily in my therapy work with... See more
This book got me to go to the training with Terry Real for this incredibly down to earth approach to relationships and, of course, to have my husband read it so we''d have some shared language and understanding. I use the concepts in this book daily in my therapy work with clients, married or single, as it''s about relationships with anyone, including yourself. The title doesn''t do it justice as it''s more a way of healthy and respectful living guidelines that truly work when applied. I see how it resonates with people all the time, powerful ideas and practices yet totally user-friendly and an accessible and almost like a novel type of reading experience. Can''t recommend it highly enough!
24 people found this helpful
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Dale Paulin
4.0 out of 5 starsVerified Purchase
My wife is amazed and appreciative
Reviewed in the United States on October 9, 2017
This book has really opened my eyes to how so much of the conflict happens in my marriage. Changing my expectations and, quite frankly, my entitlement attitude, is making a real difference. Before, I just expected that magically everything would be taken care of and the... See more
This book has really opened my eyes to how so much of the conflict happens in my marriage. Changing my expectations and, quite frankly, my entitlement attitude, is making a real difference. Before, I just expected that magically everything would be taken care of and the fact that I worked fulfilled all my responsibilities. Wow, not anymore. I''m taking it slow with the changes but am making the changes I need to. My wife is amazed and appreciative. She is really a wonderful woman, and I am fortunate to have her in my life.
23 people found this helpful
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J. Zobian
5.0 out of 5 starsVerified Purchase
Recommended to me by a therapist
Reviewed in the United States on May 5, 2018
An absolute must read. I wish I had this book 30 years ago. Terry Real creates a modern, systematic view of human relationships regarding how they work and why, and why our attitudes towards human interaction, whether it''s marriage or any other type of relationship, need to... See more
An absolute must read. I wish I had this book 30 years ago. Terry Real creates a modern, systematic view of human relationships regarding how they work and why, and why our attitudes towards human interaction, whether it''s marriage or any other type of relationship, need to be reexamine and redefined. He does this based on not only his training in the various fields of human behavior but years of treating others and contemplating himself.
Recommended to me by a therapist, I myself have recommended it to others. It has both revolutionized how I interact with others as well as given me the ability to look back and make sense of things which until now had baffled.
To plug another superb book in a similar vein, Danny Silk''s Keep Your Love On is highly complementary with a much stronger spiritual basis. I have yet to decide which book has served me best, but I am very grateful for both.
13 people found this helpful
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Michelle M
3.0 out of 5 starsVerified Purchase
Old School, Predictable Advice
Reviewed in the United States on May 19, 2019
I was expecting something much more progressive from this book including actionable suggestions for both partners. Instead it focuses on seemingly antique relationships from decades ago, the like the ones our parents and grandparents had, instead of current issues that face... See more
I was expecting something much more progressive from this book including actionable suggestions for both partners. Instead it focuses on seemingly antique relationships from decades ago, the like the ones our parents and grandparents had, instead of current issues that face couples who have more awareness and intention. A few times, I flipped the book over to look at the author''s name, to confirm that it was indeed written by a man (obvious). Instead of admiring his willingness to challenge his gender, I found myself irritated by some of his stereotypes and even some descriptions of some of his female clients, which seemed unprofessional and leery.
7 people found this helpful
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Peaches
2.0 out of 5 starsVerified Purchase
Marriage is not different.
Reviewed in the United States on January 3, 2021
The first chapter of this book suggests that all of the rules of marriage that have been in place for thousands of years have suddenly be discarded in the last fifteen years. I find the author''s suggestion presumptuous and ridiculous. It''s not true and the suggestion is... See more
The first chapter of this book suggests that all of the rules of marriage that have been in place for thousands of years have suddenly be discarded in the last fifteen years. I find the author''s suggestion presumptuous and ridiculous. It''s not true and the suggestion is silly. Humans are not different although our culture is.
The book is not without value and there are many good points made later in the book.

It''s as though he added the first chapter to create some controversy in an otherwise useful but pedestrian book.
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Top reviews from other countries

A.
5.0 out of 5 starsVerified Purchase
Some excellent pointers for good communication
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on February 10, 2012
There are many excellent ideas in " The new rules of marriage ". I would have given it the title, " How to fine tune your relationship ". Reading this book could make the difference between a successful marriage and a divorce. Should be read by every teenager and kept on...See more
There are many excellent ideas in " The new rules of marriage ". I would have given it the title, " How to fine tune your relationship ". Reading this book could make the difference between a successful marriage and a divorce. Should be read by every teenager and kept on their shelf rather than getting read after everything has gone pear shaped. There are one or two ideas in the book that I don''t get. I especially like the overview p 290-295 eg Winning Strategies : 1, Shifting from complaint to request 1a, " Move from negative / past to positive / future focus." It''s too easy to focus on the angry words said in the past instead of focusing on the good times ahead and all the wonderful experiences in travel, music, film, books, sports, art which can be enjoyed together & talked about . 1b " Make requests specific, behavioral and reasonable " Maybe that should be, " Make requests achievable, doable " but maybe if they aren''t the reply needs to be like " I would like to make you happy, i just don''t think i can do that " I''ve also just bought Anger Busting 101 by Newton Hightower which agrees in part and appears to disagree in part with Terrence Real about communication. Newton recommends that the winning phrases for daily use by men in marriage is, " you are beautiful, you are wonderful dear, I love you even when you are angry, I am so lucky to be with you " However winning strategy 4 Empowering each other 4b,Ask what you might do to help the responder deliver
4 people found this helpful
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Sarah Sheppard
5.0 out of 5 starsVerified Purchase
Brilliant
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on June 4, 2021
Absolutely brilliant book.
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Reviews2019
5.0 out of 5 starsVerified Purchase
Terence Real keeping it real....
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on June 26, 2018
WOW. This book is so insightful and helpful. Thank you Mr. Real!
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just mummy
5.0 out of 5 starsVerified Purchase
Five Stars
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on July 17, 2018
It''s as brilliant as everyone says. Better.
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Hanyao fu
3.0 out of 5 starsVerified Purchase
good
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on May 13, 2014
good book, but not very useful to me, some of the techniques are worth to try, but some opinion i just not think it''s right
One person found this helpful
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